The Resistance is Strong with This One
This week's energy may be quite intense for a lot you. It has been for me. This holiday weekend I was in a much needed cocoon healing mode where focusing on my physical needs was most important. Hence the late posts, but it is all in service of showing me what you all may be experiencing as well.
Despite my own awareness around healing and my abilities as a healer, this weekend I was feeling quite defensive, guarded, and resistant to allowing it to happen. There is a very strong protective energy that takes over when I am healing something quite deep and the only way out of it is through the embodiment of it, which is not enjoyable. I begin to cling to the memories of the past, my old destructive patterns and behaviors, and act out towards those who are triggering me the most (usually masculine energy).
So when the card that popped out for this week's energy was the Four of Pentacles, I was not surprised at all. It actually started to make more sense for me and I got the clarity I needed to remind myself that I am not crazy, I am just experiencing some deep inner healing, and resisting it pretty hard. That could also be why I was avoiding doing my energy work and getting these blogs written this weekend - knowing it would provide me the clearing and understanding I so desperately needed but allowing myself to resist it anyway.
The Four of Pentacles is about clinging to something too tightly, being guarded, worrying about financial matters, holding back resources, feeling the need to protect oneself by closing off, and fear of letting go of the ego's comfort in material things. Yep. Exactly what I was experiencing. Literally - ALL. OF. IT. As I push myself closer and closer to the edge of my comfort zone by implementing new practices, trying new things in my life, and coming up on some major life changes that include moving and being completely out on my own independently, my ego is scared shitless. So it wants to cling to the comfortable and familiar, which for me shows up as destructive patterns in relationships in order to separate myself from people who make me feel safe. It's way easier to be alone and not be vulnerable and intimate with others by creating issues and pushing them away, right?
Until I finally move through that feeling and realize what I have done. Yes, being alone is necessary for me, especially as a highly sensitive person in order to recharge. But why do I feel the need to create an issue that wasn't there? Why does it feel relieving to make someone abandon me by pushing them away so they don't get to do it first? There it is. That's what's really happening. I want to control the situation by forcing someone to abandon me because in my own fucked up pattern, I decided that it will happen anyway. I cannot give anyone the chance to hurt me again. I get to be the one in charge of it happening. Pretty twisted, right?
I think so. And what's even more twisted is that I literally cannot stop it from happening, or at least it feels that way. The trauma I have experienced that has caused me to believe I was not lovable enough for someone to stay with me simply by being myself shows me where I STILL have self-love work to do. Not that I really believe that the work ever stops, but this is a deep wound I am continuing to heal. So when the Chrysocolla card popped out for the week, which represent's SELF-LOVE, the entire experience was coming together for me.
Chrysocolla is a tranquil and sustaining stone that encourages you to remain strong and serene during times of change or challenge. It assists in DISSOLVING DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONAL PROGRAMMING (if I could insert emojis here, it would be the eye rolling face), and encourages you to love and forgive yourself. Even deeper for me, and maybe for many of you, it can be indicative of healing past life trauma around being a woman. Yep. (insert woman raising hand emoji here). That explains the rage and outbursts and strong emotions towards every man that has ever hurt me EVER. And the fact that I felt the need to say "I'm not crazy" and "Keep calling me crazy" over and over again. Sigh.
Don't judge me, but all of that is true, and more that I care not to share. But that is the work, and if it happened, I can only surrender to the fact that it was meant to for a reason, and that I am hopefully providing some clarity and confidence for many of you who may be experiencing the same. So this week, recognize where you may be avoiding or resisting your deep healing work, and get yourself a Chrysocolla to remind you that bitterness and self-doubt have no place in well-being. It is good to nourish your body with self-love and gentleness. Have you been doing this for yourself lately?
If not, and you would like support, you can book with me directly here.
Thank you for showing up and doing your own deep healing work! You are a God/dess of Love and Strength!!!!