"A healer does not heal you. A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer, so that you may heal yourself."
My Personal Journey
For as long as I can remember I have been very sensitive. Not just in the emotional sense, but sensitive to sounds, textures, vibrations, smells, tastes, and the energy around me. It was like I knew exactly what was happening with other people, during certain situations, what animals were feeling, and sometimes what I felt was an opposite or completely different portrayal of what was being displayed on the outside, which caused confusion for me as a child.
This confusion led me to believe that what I felt was actually "wrong" and what everyone else around me felt was "right", and if I wanted to fit in and be liked, I needed to relate to those closest to me. So I shoved my feelings aside and learned how to tune into what other people wanted and needed. The problem was, though, I didn't relate to those around me. At all. I actually felt very differently but didn't have the tools nor support to express it, let alone understand it. And this is how my gift of sensitivity, intuition, and healing others was birthed.
But before I could see it as a gift, it had to lead me down the path of people pleasing, care-taking, and wanting to save or fix others. This was the co-dependent pattern that was modeled to me and that I have been on a journey to heal and break free from since 2016 when I "woke up". It was a pivotal time in my life where I realized I had been living my life for everyone else's happiness except my own. It didn't matter that I was naturally able to be there for others, who was going to be there for me? I had taught people to put me last because I put me last, and eventually hit my breaking point.
Once I realized this, everything changed. My priorities shifted and I began taking risks, changing my life in every possible way imaginable. Sure, it was scary but fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin. The fear came from leaving my comfort zone, but the paradox is that what made me feel comfortable was actually detrimental to my health and well-being. Ever since making that realization, I still have to unravel the fact that what I am first drawn to may not actually be in my best interest, and look deeper. I have learned to check in with my BODY over my MIND, which is controlled by the conditions of others, and not my intuition. The only thing that mattered was that every choice I made felt GOOD in my body, and that's how I have lived my life since then.
Some of the most difficult decisions I had to make were leaving a marriage and breaking up our family, living with family while I healed from the same patterns they were still operating from, and becoming completely financially independent as a single mom. I had to watch as my son also grieved the divorce, not fully understanding it, and hold space for him AND myself while we both healed. My son was the catalyst to my spiritual awakening, and the absolute reason I HAD to choose myself - so to see him hurting because of the choices I made that I knew would be best for us both long term, completely broke my heart. I've had to learn to not to feel guilty and blame myself, knowing he chose this life with me to learn his own lessons, and that there is always room for forgiveness, growth, and improvement.
Before I gave birth, I had spent most of my time in school, which I see in hindsight as preparing me for all that I was going to do now. This is most likely why I was (intuitively, but didn't realize it at the time) drawn to begin studying Early Childhood Education and why I needed to get so deep into the subject (I have a BA and MA in ECE). I needed to learn about how each child is unique and learns differently, has different strengths, and that there are also other sensitive people out there like me. Unfortunately, these children are labeled and diagnosed with what society has considered "syndromes" or "disorders" simply because they are wired differently than the masses, or think and feel differently than how we are expected to operate.
I have also come to realize that my son's Soul chose me as his mother because I would be able to protect him from this happening to him. He is also very sensitive, and experiences his world very differently than what we would call "typically developing" children. And no, I don't believe there is anything wrong with him, nor will I ever allow him to be diagnosed or labeled with anything because I believe this hinders children more than it helps them. There is a lack of willingness to understand and put the time, effort, and energy into supporting these children the way that they ACTUALLY need, and that is a part of what I am meant to shed light upon to those who are ready to hear it. Because they are gifts to the world, come to wake us up and fulfill their unique purpose. How can they do that if they are expected to "fit in" and be a clone of everyone else?
This is why I needed my son. Not too long after I graduated with my MA in 2013, I became pregnant, and this was the catalyst of my own personal awakening to the embodiment of a Divine Feminine on Earth, which is another immense aspect of my Soul's purpose. It started with the realization that I needed to be mindful of what I was eating, the products I was using, how much I was exercising, and thinking about what my personal goals, values, and morals were for the future. I was going to be responsible for another tiny human being and that was a big responsibility. And because the Universe knew I was more concerned about taking care of others before myself, this is how loving my son would be why I changed my life and began truly loving all of myself - particularly that sensitive inner child I had suppressed so long ago. That is what I have come to realize about the greater purpose for why we have children - they are mirrors for our own healing, and the more we suppress them, the more we suppress ourselves.
After giving birth, the nurturing mother within me awoke and I began expressing myself more creatively - something I had never empowered as a strength before, which is a very Feminine trait - creation. I completely opened myself up to having new and different experiences and felt capable, confident, and strong as I navigated motherhood by doing my own research, making my own decisions, and finding the support through a holistic mom group on Facebook. I wanted to do everything naturally - use essential oils, cloth diapers, make my own products, organic foods, breastfeed past the typical one year mark, chose not to vaccinate, and even regretted getting my son circumsized, which I had to grieve as a choice I made before I was fully informed.
A lot of it seemed crazy and inconvenient, and probably a lot more difficult than just doing what everyone else was doing, but I was finally listening to my inner voice and knowing what was best for me and my son in the long run. Even still at this point I was not fully awakened to what was happening within me (the awakening and empowerment of my inner Feminine), until I began questioning my marriage and whether or not I was truly happy. I admit this was not the first time in the relationship I realized I wasn't, but it was new because I actually began looking at ME, and why I felt this way, what I needed, and what I could do about it. I really thought something was "wrong" with me for wanting to leave a situation that "should" be making me happy. And that was the problem - I am the only person who can make me happy. It is no one else's responsibility, yet I was conditioned to believe it was.
This is how our relationship was extremely co-dependent. We relied on each other for our own happiness, through unspoken and unrealistic expectations and when we couldn't live up to them, resentment developed. We were blind to the fact that we were actually not very compatible, but because of both of our upbringings, we mirrored each other's powerlessness to change anything. It was at this time I learned about what co-dependency was and how my (and his) childhood was responsible for me being this way in relationships. No fault of anyone else, just a realization I have come to accept. Both of my parents had difficult experiences during their childhood, so they were doing the best they could with what they had been shown. My dad struggled with addiction and they divorced when I was 5 or 6, which then catapulted me and my siblings into a life of instability. I never felt secure unless I was with other people because I was not taught how to develop this feeling of security for myself - the cause of co-dependency.
And it wasn't only my parents and his parents and our family patterns, it was society at large that perpetuated this idea that we needed outside things or people or experiences in order to be truly happy. We were simply caught up in living out this program. I began seeing a therapist, and eventually made the decision to leave the marriage because I needed to grow and heal alone. We both did, otherwise we wouldn't have fully healed together. But because I was so stubborn and afraid, the Universe had to draw me out with another person because I historically had not been able to choose myself over anyone else, and I became involved with another man because this is what I thought was missing - the "right" person to save me.
Not just any person, but a Masculine. Because of the insecure attachments I had made as a child with my own father, I was now searching to replace and heal that through relationships with men. I didn't know how to feel okay without someone else there. However, when I did that, I ended up giving my power completely over to them because that's what I thought I had to do in order to never be abandoned by them. Therefore, choosing their wants, needs, and well-being over my own to make them happy. It was because I am extremely sensitive, so if someone else became unhappy, I would feel it as if it was my own, and do what they needed rather than what I needed to feel better. All in exchange for a feeling of safety. Another co-dependent layer to discover about myself.
This has become one of my biggest lessons - choosing myself over others, putting my needs first, and allowing myself to desire things that make me happy. However, even the things I desired needed to shift because I had become so programmed to want things that were unhealthy for me that I have had to unravel the two for the past 3 years - what I want and where it is coming from - an actual need and want that will nourish me, or something that fills a void within me? And this largely showed up in how I chose to get my needs met through other people (specifically men) because I didn't feel whole and complete on my own. My Feminine side had lost all trust in my own inner Masculine because I hadn't been shown a healthy and stable model, so I chose to give her power away in order to get the feeling of safety and security through outside Masculine energy.
Even today I have to consciously notice when I am doing this, but I have come a long way and finally feel good on my own. This couldn't have happened without the training and personal transformation I experienced through a year long Ontological Life Coaching program I received from 2017-2018. This experience provided me with the community and container I needed in order to explore and heal my Feminine energy at the time. I had just moved in with family after separating from my husband, I began studying Tarot cards through watching readers on YouTube, and I was taking in new information about metaphysics, spirituality, healthy relationships, and how to love and heal myself. This group was exactly what I needed in order to accelerate my awakening and transformation because I received the love and support to actually make the changes I needed in order to live my purpose on Earth.
I realized I was actually a naturally talented coach despite not having much prior training and experience, and that I was capable of being not just independent, but inter-depedent with others. It wasn't wrong to have wants and needs and to actually ask others to meet them! I became empowered in my own authentic self, and I knew this was the service I was meant to offer to others. All of the difficult and painful experiences I had learned from had a purpose and I knew I was being called to a higher path. The sensitivity I have had since childhood was actually a gift, and not a curse, and this is the realization I had to make in order to begin using it consciously and productively instead of unconsciously and destructively with others. AND - I could actually create a business around it!
Throughout all of this, I experienced two wonderful and equally painful relationships with men whom I fell in love with and then had to learn once again how I was giving my power away when it was time to end. They were both mirrors to further my healing, and I am grateful for them both. I became pregnant and then powerfully decided to have an abortion because I knew the circumstances were not ideal for anyone at the time. But the act of making this decision and choosing to stand in my truth was another step for healing and taking back my power while not caring what others thought of me. I started my own business and have struggled for the last year to overcome all of my self-worth issues around asking to get paid for what comes naturally to me, to sell my services with confidence, to not compare myself to others in the field, and to feel capable on my own with handling the business and money side of things (regaining the trust of my Masculine side).
I have learned how to tell my story without shame, how to stand in my inner truth and knowing without compromising for what others think is better for me, how to forgive myself and others for things we did not know at the time, how to be okay not doing things perfectly, how to not give up on myself, how to speak up honestly even if it triggers people, how to be a healthy, mindful, honest, and loving mother, and how to not care what others think of me, even when what I do, say, and believe goes against the crowd. All of this is a continual practice, of course, and it didn't happen overnight, nor is it something I have fully overcome for good. Life is a journey and the ups and downs are meant to teach us more about ourselves in order to continuously return to love.
For me, it has been a return of my Divine Feminine in order to fully embody her and teach others how to do the same, while learning to trust and surrender to the Divine Masculine energy that wants to be nurtured by us. Today, I get to empower others to live authentically and unapologetically, no matter where they are on their journey. I have never been more grateful for being me, living this life, and being able to express myself while standing in my power in order to be a model for others to do the same!
Thank you for following my journey and being a part of it!